Muttley’s Blog

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* Sleep is nothing but a Caffeine substitute.
* There are two kinds of pilots. There are old pilots. There are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to distinguish between a weed and a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it was a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians:– The Quick and the Dead.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and he won’t bother you for weeks on end.
* In the ’60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of them to start a campfire?
* The most powerful force in human nature is inertia.
* The first law of Thermodynamics in academia is the conservation of inertia.
* A No answer is acceptable, no answer is unacceptable.
* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I
* A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
* Every calendar’s days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.
* Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
* How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
* ~4 year old driving in a car with his dad: “Dad, where are all the ‘GO’ signs?”
* (2003 ALCS) Whose curse is worse? Chicago or Boston?
* A favorite oxymoron: I just submitted my First Final draft of my thesis.
* The core problem of life: Those who hurt you are the ones you love.
* The core problem of computer security: Those who hurt you are the ones you trust.
* Think BEFORE you click send.
* Wife to husband: “Do people ever really change?”; Husband to wife: “Yes, when they decompose.”
* A 10-year old, 4th grader’s report on soda: “Soda in school? Awesome. Soda is liquid candy. It is well known soda rots your teeth and gives you stomach eggs. But you can make a lot of money on the sales.”
* A visitor to Rome: Rome has 6 million residents, 2 million cars, and 1 million parking spaces.
* A resident of Rome: Rome has 3 million residents, 4 million cars, 2 million cellular phones, and 500,000 parking spaces.
* You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
* Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
* Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
* Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
* If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
* Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters.
* You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
* And if that is not enough, you ought to know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you start using smileys in your snail mail.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
* Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
* Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
* I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
* If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
* But…bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
* Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
* Ray’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
* Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* If being disgruntled means being unhappy, does that mean a gruntled person is happy?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
* “I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do ” is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
* Some people would give their right arm to be ambidexterous.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
* Bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I intend to live forever-so far, so good.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* My mechanic couldn’t repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it’ll be a great trade!
* Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Death to all fanatics!
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* He who laughs last, thinks slowest