P/ quem não assiste, dica de televisão: HOUSE

Universal Channel, quintas-feiras, 23h.

Uma pequena amostra da personalidade do personagem principal, Dr. Gregory House:

Dan's Father: How can you just sit there?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I eat standing up I spill.


[Dr. House is seeing a patient whose skin is bright orange]
Dr. Gregory House: ...and your wife is having an affair...
Orange patient: What?
Dr. Gregory House: You're ORANGE, you moron! And your wife hasn't noticed it.

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. Gregory House: I am the doctor who's trying to save your son's life. You're the mother who's letting him die. Clarification- it's a beautiful thing.

[House referred to Chase as British]
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm Australian!
Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.

Intern: [trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history] You're reading a comic book.
Dr. Gregory House: You're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
Intern: [covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest.

Dr. Gregory House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Young Man: How did you...?
Dr. Gregory House: We've been here for half an hour and you haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemarrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not going to surprise me.
Young Man: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?

Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?
Dr. Gregory House: Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. And I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?
Dr. Gregory House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was at the top of my class!
Dr. Gregory House: But not *the* top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic!
Dr. Gregory House: You were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best.
Dr. Gregory House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired for some genetic gift of beauty instead of some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am!
Dr. Gregory House: You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off.
Dr. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered?
Dr. Gregory House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?
Dr. Cameron: No!
Dr. Gregory House: Sexually assaulted?
Dr. Cameron: No!
Dr. Gregory House: But you *are* damaged, aren't you?

Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.

Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession?
Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.

Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]
Dr. Gregory House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.

[House is popping pills]
Orange patient: What is that? What are you taking?
Dr. Gregory House: Painkillers.
Orange patient: Oh, for your... for your leg.
Dr. Gregory House: No, 'cause they're yummy! Want one?

Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.
Dr. Wilson: At least I try.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. Gregory House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently.
Dr. Cameron: And?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be 'unusually' irritable.

Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.

Dr. Gregory House: You mentioned leishmaniasis and filariasis. Where did you hear about them?
Jeffrey: I told you, I found them on the Internet.
Dr. Gregory House: What, did you search of "obscure tropical diseases that don't match my son's symptoms?"

Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Dr. Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
[She pauses to catch her breath]
Dr. Robert Chase: [He is speechless]
Dr. Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [enters]
Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?

Dr. Gregory House: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. Cameron: What happened to "Everybody Lies"?
Dr. Gregory House: I lied.

Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Have it your way. Immaculate conception.
Susan: Um, what do I do?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's obvious - start a religion.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."

Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies.

Ramona: Hi. I'm having vaginal pain.
Dr. Gregory House: Pleasure to meet you.
Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. Gregory House: Not any more.

Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You loved all your wives.

Dr. Gregory House: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die, so my biggest problem is the curse to do the math.

Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [everyone stares]
Dr. Cameron: I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I know. You made milk come out of my nose

Dr. Gregory House: Does your penis hurt?
Young Man: What? No! Should it?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I thought I'd give you a really inappropriate question. Your lawyers will love it.

Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens

Dr. Wilson: Nobody's perfect.
Dr. Gregory House: Mother Theresa?
Dr. Wilson: Dead.
Dr. Gregory House: Angelina Jolie?
Dr. Wilson: No medical degree.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, so now who's being picky.